Published Work

Ten More Business Phrases You Hate

Can you believe we left some out last time? Here are more business terms that other people thought should be outlawed, too.

"Will the dogs eat the dog food?"
Business translation: Will customers actually buy what we are selling?

According to Fast Company, Guy Kawasaki's "Rules for Revolutionaries" (HarperBusiness, 2000) actually popularized this phrase. To his credit, he also told his readers "eat like a bird," "poop like an elephant," "flow with the go" and "eat your own dog food".

Unless your company actually sells dog food to pet owners, this comment insults the exact people you want to impress.

You should hold your clients in high regard. This is just plain disrespectful. It isolates us from our customers. In 1999, we could all get by with a little arrogance. Kiss those days goodbye. Humility is in. Furthermore, what does it say about how valuable we feel our products are if we refer to them as dog food?

"How much money will it take to do it right?"
Business translation: How much funding will it take to launch this product or do a marketing campaign in the optimal way?

Three years after the funding crash, I still hear this today. The "right way" simply involves whatever will maximize sales and profits with the minimum amount of money invested.

The 1990s proved that too much money breeds laziness and dulls our creative thinking. Where did big budget $4 million Super Bowl ads for companies like OurBeginning.com really lead start-up companies? Nowhere. Their Web address is now occupied by Ashton Wedding Invitations of Las Vegas.

"Bells and whistles"
Business translation: Products with fancy options.

This is not the "bells and whistles" decade in business. Those things are too expensive. Most buyers want to purchase the basic model that will get the job done. People won't frequently pay for fancy add-ons. If the basic solution solves their pain, they'll buy it. Leave upgrades for when you have enough miles to fly first class.

"Blame storming"
Business translation: A group of people that sit around and figure out whom to blame because something in their business failed. The goal is to point fingers at others before they point it at you.

Now here is a productive way to spend people's time! This sounds like a congressional inquiry. Don't waste more time. Figure out what went wrong and how not to repeat the error. One of the best ways to work as a team is to focus on fixing the problem rather than finding the person.

"If I tell you, I will have to kill you"
Business translation: I know something you don't know and I can't tell you.

This is something that passes as business humor. When someone says this to me, I want to say: "If you say that one more time, I'll have to kill you." Either tell me what you think I need to know or keep quiet about it.

"If you build it, they will come"
Business translation: Build a better product and people will buy it.

Guess what? They don't. If we learned anything in 1999, it's that this does not happen. The business world is not a Kevin Costner movie and your company is not "A Field of Dreams."

Iridium, led by Motorola, launched a lot of satellites into space years ago and built a great big mobile network. Unfortunately, cell phone users satisfied with their local service did not sign up to use Iridium. They went bankrupt.

"Information superhighway"
Business translation: The Internet.

Can you just call it the Web like the rest of us? Besides, many times, it doesn't move that fast. When I am on my computer with my RCN cable modem, it seems more like the Kennedy expressway at rush hour than the German Autobahn.

Ergo Creative's Jay McDonald referred to this as "information superhighway road rage." I have had this a few times!

"Plug and play"
Business translation: When you plug most devices into a Microsoft Windows computer, it is suppose to recognize the device and configure the appropriate driver.

Guess what? Many times it does not. When I recently checked into a Hyatt Regency hotel that had a "plug-and-play" modem in my room, I tried to use my laptop. Thirty minutes later, I was not playing. I was just trying to plug.

I wish they would call it "plug it in and sometimes it plays." I have also heard this refer to a new employee who has a lot of experience and can be productive right away.

"Open your kimono"
Business translation: Once you sign a non-disclosure agreement (NDA), I will be able to tell you secret things.

This was an IBM favorite. The only thing I liked about this expression is that it had a certain visual appeal to it for some people. Forget the international imagery and let?s just sign the documents. However, this is exactly what companies that recently filed an IPO need to get used to since they have to disclose everything.

With the new Sarbanes-Oxley Act, a company's CEO and CFO must now certify their financials. This gives a high-profile company like Google (which is considering going public) a lot more to think about since public companies need to "open the kimono" wide.

"Low-hanging fruit"
Business translation: Easy clients to sell your product to.

Forget it. There is no low-hanging fruit any more. The 1990s ate it all. It seems like most of us these days are climbing long ladders to get to customers we want.

Finally, forget about any fictional word that begins with "e" or "i" to make it sound more "new economy." Can we finally return these letters to their proper place in the alphabet?